I Only Like Men Who Strip Me of Worth

The hazards of dating after sexual assault

I was sexually assaulted in college, but immediately thereafter, I remained somehow insulated from the event. I had a boyfriend at the time of the attack (he wasn’t the one who assaulted me), and while it was jarring and traumatic, I clung to my boyfriend just a bit more tightly and moved forward.

He and I moved away together shortly after college and I thought I was in the clear from the trauma. I wasn’t; it reared up in some very obvious ways later on down the road, and I’ve been dealing with it since.

But during the course of my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend, the signs of trauma were a bit more subtle, and I didn’t notice them as they were happening.

For example, before the assault, I was confident in myself, who I was, where I was going, and my place in the world.

After the assault, I made my boyfriend’s life my own. He wanted to move, so we did. He wasn’t ready to get married, so we didn’t. It became clear he would never want to marry me, but I hung in there.

Everything about myself vanished; I absorbed everything about him. I couldn’t be without him — not because I loved him that much — but because I couldn’t remember much about myself from before the assault, and I needed him to form my personality.

It’s pathetic, I know.

He and I broke up, and I was thrust back into the world. I was determined not to let my sexual assault define me. But, it did. And it still often does.

I go into every date with the best of intentions for myself.

I tell myself, this time, speak up for yourself. Define your own hopes for yourself and your life.

I tell myself, if he doesn’t like you, that’s fine. You’re not settling for less.

I tell myself, you’re an interesting person with a career and friends and a life of your own. You bring a lot to the table.

On the first date, I stick to these principles. If there’s a second date, I stick to them then too.

By the third date, they start to wane, and by the fourth date, I’m interested in this man. At that point — I’m no longer…

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